Intense

I found this poem on the away message of an old acquaintance of mine. Some of you may remember her as Flic from EW. It turns out that the poem was her own, so I immediately asked if I could post it here. Of course, all rights to it are hers and posted with permission. Thank you for respecting that.

~*~*~

His Eyes
His gaze meets my own
I want to close my eyes.
I can't look at Him.
He loves me.
I don't know what that is.
I don't understand.

He gently turns my head,
clasping my chin in His hands,
holding me still.
His eyes...
those eyes.
They blaze and burn.
They see farther and deeper
they speak.
They say
"My love, my love is free.
I paid the price, and
you have no more shame.
Look me in the eye,
believe."
I want to gaze.
I want to look.
I want to speak.
My tears fall as my eyes travel downward.
Can I look into His eyes?
Am I ready for the love that I will see?

~*~*~

Goodness, I love it when good writing strikes all kinds of chords with me. Chills!

Bothersome

I spoke to two people today about things. I always like hearing a different opinion.

I got the same thing from both of them: God, M. Why do you bother with religion? It's such of waste of energy.

Sometimes, when I grow tired, I want to agree. But no.

I bother not because I want to, but because I need to. The more mature I grow in my faith, the hungrier I am for fulfillment. It's a fulfillment I know I won't quite see in this world. But a little is better than nothing. Anything is better than nothing at all; anything is better than being without Him.

I bother because I've opened a Pandora's box of curiosity. I couldn't stop myself. I could only follow. And to follow satisfies me. I only wish I could do it better. I could, if my own foolish pride would die. I could, if I'd stop being afraid of reprisal. If I knew I could be at peace, then maybe it wouldn't be so difficult.

Maybe I've got to, as Becky Fischer said to her camp kids (as much as I violently disagree with 99% of what she believes), "cook a little". Strive.

Excuse me, by the way, for appearing weak rather than just biting the bullet and doing what needs to be done.

Sunrise

This weekend has left me emotionally drained beyond recognition. However, I come out of it with hope. I'm going to be alright. I may write about it all as soon as I find the energy.

For now, some verses that are speaking to me. I think it may speak to some of you, too. These are from the New Living Translation that a radio station uses. I'm too lazy to translate to NIV; I hope you'll forgive me. ;)

Thank you to those that have been there for me.

And for one in particular:
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.

As they say...may you never thirst.
Pax.

~*~*~

Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.
Lamentations 3:23 NLT

So humble yourselves before God.
Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
James 4:7 NLT

I restore the crushed spirit of the humble
and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts.
Isaiah 57:15 NLT

Patient endurance is what you need now,
so that you will continue to do God's will.
Then you will receive all that he has promised.
Hebrews 10:36 NLT

Jesus replied, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty."
John 6:35 NLT

Carry each other's burdens,
and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:2 NIV

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer...
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 NLT

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV

Wildly Emo

(I try not to do this often.)

No, really, it doesn't get much more upsetting than this. I've had this song for ages, but I think I actually heard the lyrics for the first time last night (it's hard to tell what she's saying, you know, through the screaming ;) ). I cried when I realized what this was about. It goes deep, unfortunately. Hopefully not for much longer.

Evanescence
Lies
From Origin

Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear
Sealed with lies through so many tears
Lost from within, pursuing the end
I fight for the chance to be lied to again

You will never be strong enough
You will never be good enough
You were never conceived in love
You will not rise above

[CHORUS:]
They'll never see I'll never be
I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger
Burning deep inside of me

But through my tears breaks a blinding light
Birthing a dawn to this endless night
Arms outstretched, awaiting me
An open embrace upon a bleeding tree

Rest in me and I'll comfort you
I have lived and I died for you
Abide in me and I vow to you
I will never forsake you

I'm still sick of myself, as much as I hate to admit it. I'm sick of not being able to just let go. I've tried more than once now, but it never lasts. I keep wondering if there's something...wrong, with me. Like, what if I can't let go? "People do it, people do it all the time," I pleaded.

But I hear that some people never can. Some people never will. I'm told I ask far too much of myself. I'm trying too hard to be something I might not realistically be able to be.

I'm still in denial. Because, suddenly, I don't feel good enough for Him. You can come as you are, but then you're called to change, to put on the new man, to die to yourself.

So why can't I do it?

Oh, I know why. I like far too much what shouldn't be a part of me anymore. I cling to those things as an escape. Just so I don't get to the point where I can't turn around and run. I always leave the door open.

If only shutting it were easier.

I'm just glad no one else is judging me.

Playing Favorites?

"What I mean is this. An ordinary simple Christian kneels down to say his prayers. He is trying to get in touch with God. But if he is a Christian he knows what is prompting him to pray is also God: God, so to speak, inside him. But he also knows...that Christ is standing beside him, helping him to pray, praying for him. God is also the road or bridge along which he is being pushed toward that goal [of getting in touch with God]. So that whole threefold life of the three-personal Being is actually going on in that ordinary little bedroom where an ordinary man is saying his prayers."-C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Ironically enough, I had made up my mind to write a post on the subject of an unbalanced Trinity only yesterday morning. Phil beat me to it. Ah, well. The subject interests me, so I'm going to rant on it anyway. :)

I am...to steal his word, absolutely baffled by Christians who tend to give all of their worship to God in the Person of Christ. Now, before I continue, let me say that I in no way intend to demean my Savior. Really, as Christians, how can we not be both awed and humbled by what He's done for us?

Okay, so we worship and exalt Christ for giving of Himself so we might live. Without Him, we'd be in serious trouble.

...but what about the other two persons of the Trinity? Whatever happened to the Father and Spirit in worship, and why are they so undermined when faced with the Son? I can't know for sure, but I can speculate. God in the form of the Father is essentially credited with the creation of all things, both seen and unseen. He is also the one to decide our fate when we go to meet Him at the end of our lives. Not quite small potatoes. I suppose many people find the Father intimidating or unapproachable for this reason. What happened to Him being, you know, a Father? It's no good to be afraid to talk to your father about something. You are still, after all, his child. He made you, and he loves you. If you make a mistake, certainly he's not going to be happy with you. But if you own up to it, and still try to be the best individual you can, he'll still be proud of you. He'll still love you.

Enter Christ as God the Son, often shown as loving, gentle, and understanding. (Interestingly, they often seem to forget the Jesus who was angry, just, and sometimes angst-ridden.) The must think, "What a perfect way to develop a relationship with God than to do so through One that is seemingly all love and light? And to think He died for us. How extravagantly awesome." That must explain the "OMGJESUSJESUSJESUSJESUS" bouncing worship and...moaning. Right? As I said before, I don't disagree with the weight of Christ's life. I do, however, think there is much more to being a Christian than that alone.

There's also God the Holy Spirit, but nobody really talks about Him. That's another thing--I can't grammatically say "him" about the Spirit. A spirit is a genderless noun, so I say "it". Even if it is God, or an actual Person, I still stick to "it". No one seems to understand what the Spirit is, anyway. Why worship something you don't understand? I mean, goodness, we can't even figure out what the right noun is! It's obviously far too complicated to think about. Besides, Jesus is so much cooler! YAY!

Um, no? The Father is before us, and Christ is beside us. The Holy Spirit is God manifest within ourselves! It's that drive to do what's right, and to grow closer to God. It's what inspires us and changes our lives from the inside out. If I hadn't seen this happen for myself, I probably would have never grasped that. When people humble themselves before God, and cry out to Him, the Spirit moves...and the effects of that are really something else.

What we have in the Trinity is a way of seeing God in all things. But when parts of that Trinity are treated as less important, less worthy of our worship, or even ignored, it breaks down. We lose so much understanding of what God can be and do.

Live and let live, I guess. But they're really, really missing out on something amazing.

Casting Crowns- Stained Glass Masquerade

After my post from yesterday, I went looking for a video of this song. I guess you could say it was the one song that made me try Christian music. To be honest, I haven't really found anything quite as good as Casting Crowns, lyric-wise.

This video is kind of pointless, but the lyrics onscreen help. It's the song itself that's important.

Birds of a Feather?

I usually get to school early enough to walk slow, get to my locker in a half-stupor, and stumble into my first period class with a few minutes to breathe.

After a very busy and stressful morning, I'd walked inside and realized I'd forgotten my bag on the bus. I called my mom, and thankfully she was right down the street. That settled, I had about three minutes to get to the other side of the school and upstairs.

I flew in like a whirlwind, almost crashing straight through a group of people in prayer in front of the entrance. I quietly excused myself, and one of the guys moved to let me pass. I made it to class thirty seconds before the late bell. Go, me.

Two things occured to me in the midst of all this:

1) It is really irrational to pray in front of the door like that.
2) Sometimes, I really do miss having a community.

In early autumn, I made a deal with a friend of mine. We'd both been curious about school fellowships, but were petrified to show up for various reasons. The bet went that if one of us went to a meeting, the other had to go to their local group, too. That's how I ended up talking to the director, Mr. E., at my school's annual club night. He's a very eccentric man: skinny, softspoken, and generally very hard to look in the eye. He was the first local Christian I'd spoken to, and the entire conversation was held with sweaty palms and the feeling that he saw right through me.

Two weeks later, I went to Alpha Omega with my friend L, who came along for moral support. I was hugged by a bunch of random, flamboyant, "Jesus is so awesome!!!" people who were sooo glad to see me and wanted to know all about me. The extrovert that I normally am withdrew into her shell and became an insecure, somewhat standoffish quiet kid. It was the oddest personality shift...

Don't get me wrong, they were nice, if a little (understatement) naive. The worship...was empty of the Spirit I've felt in my life. The rest of it--Bible scharades and fellowship, anybody?--was just so, so uncomfortable. I couldn't handle being around other Christians. I didn't think they'd get me. I thought, and to a point still think, if I were to let them see the real me, they would judge me, insist I discover my spiritual "gifts", or run away in horror. People like me and people like them are on opposite ends of the playing field, despite our worship of the same God. [sarcasm]Because, you know, because I'm an ex-occultist I'm so gravely misunderstood. [/sarcasm]

Truthfully, though, I find it very difficult to connect with "my kind" around here. They view the world so oddly, all of them. Everything was so shiny and good in their faith; it was obvious that they'd never been shaken in their lives. I've shaken, rattled, and rolled, sometimes all at once.

AO wasn't for me. Unfortunately, I'm in a place where I can't look for other people (off the internet, that is) or churches. At least, not until I turn eighteen this November.

For now, I'm just my little army of one, I guess. Me, and some of the most eccentricly awesome Christians and Pagans the internet can offer me.

The place I choose to call home will have big shoes to fill, that's for sure. They don't make people like these anywhere else.

Chrysalis

A lot of times, especially right now, it feels like my nerves are on fire. I'm hyper-senstive on what feels like every level. Everything is thick with the scent of change.

After wandering aimlessly like some sort of vagabond for two and a half years now, I have a road map. I have a place to go, a direction. It's just...

I never saw myself there. Ever. Where this road leads is the last place I would have ever imagined for me to end up. It's truly frightening, in a exhilerating sort of way.

Still, I've never had clarity like this. As odd and scary as this twist in the path may be, nothing else has felt so rational. I've never felt this...right. Suddenly, I do. Chasing that feeling washes away my apprehension. After all, it's been said that I'll never be left or forsaken. Right?

Like I mentioned in my last post, I've struggled with dependence. Truth be told, it's hard for me to think that the odds of me walking alone in this are very good. I've always had someone there for me; as a dear friend put it, "to hold my hand while I poked the dark places between my ears". But...now there's not going to be anyone there. It feels that way, at least.

I hunger for change, you know. I want so much to be set free from this endless cycle of pining. I have that chance now.

For now, I'm stuck in a chrysalis, wanting to break free but not ready to yet. Butterflies are fragile, after all.

Secret Identity

A long time ago, I was obsessed with finding a label to describe myself and my walk. Somehow, it was rationalized that if I were able to say "I am a ____," things would resolve, I would be "home," and life would be dandy.

Don't ask me what I was thinking when I got that little notion into my head, because I don't have the foggiest idea. All I can say is that I'm glad I grew out of that fast.

Recently, I dealt with overdependence issues, both in my personal life and my spiritual life. The need to lean on other people for support has always been there. It got bad when I needed others' opinions in order to formulate my own. Thankfully, I'm getting over that, too.

Now, I have to stop thinking that spirituality is this big, objective thing. The choices others make, have made, and will make are such a big influence on me. It's never been positive; it almost cost me a friendship, once. I'm stuck on this ideal that if someone did something, if I do it, I'm going to get the same exact result.

But this is my journey. No one else has control over it. What I go through, while it might have similarities to the experiences of others, is still an individual thing.

At least I think that's how it goes. I'm a bit clouded; Lent is starting to play some serious games with my head. I'm changing for the better. I'm growing closer to God. Those are both very, very good things. I can spend time to seriously consider my place, and correct those things that need fixing.

...I just wish the godforsaken dreams (and nightmares) would let up.

Ah, well. Perseverance and all that.

Back to Basics

I like to think I know a little bit about religion.

Yet, a lot of times, I just end up looking ignorant, rusty, and vaguely misinformed. And when I do it in front of people I respect, it just looks worse.

Once upon a time, I was an occultist. I wasn't too bad at it, either, all things considered. It's because I was well-read--if I could get my hands on it and it wasn't notoriously fluffy (a la $ilver Ravenwolf, et. al.), I read it.

This lead me to a bit of an epiphany. Sure, I've got eight years of catechism classes behind me, but did any of it pay off as I return to the Catholic teachings of my childhood? Probably not, other than filling my brain with prayers that I can parrot back to you in my sleep. They taught me the Gospel, too, and maybe a few of the well-known parables, but that was it.

I've been to Mass of my own volition maybe a few dozen times, if that. The last time I'd gone was two years ago, for the baptism of my baby cousin. So how much do I really know? Did any of it even sink in?

True, I might have experience to back me up, but that isn't worth a thing if it doesn't show when put into practice.

I guess it's back to the books, for now. If I ever get over my Church paranoia (to be discussed at another time, I'd imagine), maybe that'll come, too.

...maybe.

The Old and the New

It's funny, you know, to sit and think about everywhere I've been in the past two years. If someone were to walk up to the freshly 15-year-old version of myself and tell me exactly what I was to become, I probably would have laughed in their face. Either that, or withdrawn completely and gone back to being some kind of preppy flake. "Like, oh my God," indeed.

But, no. I'm not that girl. Am I glad? Sometimes. Other times it seems like it would be so much easier if I had never made the choices that led me here.

The up and down roller-coaster of walking by faith and not by sight...even from the summer until now, has been incredible. Tearful, sure. The more I go through, the stronger I come out. Great! Drama is fortifying?

And without that drama, I wouldn't have become so bold. I would have never learned to be so humble, to hold my tongue rather than lashing out, to stop trying to be a miracle worker. That's not my job; it's His.

I also would have never met most of the people who have completely changed my life for the better.

Four months ago, I took one more step. Stupid, maybe. Outlandish, yes. But I've never been so happy to say that nothing but good has come from it.

I thank God for those folks every day. They got me here in one piece...