What a hairy, emotional, draining month it's been. Forgive my lack of updates--between my schoolwork and inability to write when feeling spiritually down, things have been quiet.
I can't articulate all that has gone on since my last update, and to be honest, I'm not entirely sure that I want to. There is so much going on in my heart, and in my personal life. To talk about it causes me a great deal of stress. Still, I feel like I need to say something.
Since around Christmas time--heck, even the summer--my faith has been a heavy burden on me. It has truly become a cross instead of a consolation, and rather than embracing its many graces, I find myself recoiling, violently so. But really, can I be blamed for that? Why on earth would anyone willfully accept something that causes great pain? It's masochism, and that is fortunately something I'm not inclined to. Over time, it has become increasingly more difficult to pray, to listen to Christian music, and to stay holy--and eventually that struggle grew into an outright aversion for faith.
I've been tempted to everything under the sun since then, yet still by some miracle remain in the Faith. There are moments when I am one step from running from the absurdity of this walk and getting far, far away. Away from this hurricane.
...But.
In those moments where I do manage to approach my issues rationally and with a calm mind, I feel an incredible sense of urgency. My gut tells me that if I can just work through this, just keep going, God is going to do incredible things. It's a burning, almost, even now...the idea that I am so close to breaking free, and embracing everything He has for me.
Getting there, though, is the trouble. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll crumble under the pressure before I reach the end of the tunnel.
Thanks to the gentle nudges from a few dear friends, I swallowed my stubborn pride and its desire to "work it out on my own." Earlier in the week, I reached out to both my campus chaplain, and my confessor from home (whom I hope will soon become my unofficial spiritual director--he's not been ordained long enough for formal direction). I am praying with all of me that God speaks through them. I need wisdom, courage and His gifts now more than ever.
More than anything, I need faith. I barely have a mustard seed right now. Will it carry me?
I can hope. I can keep walking through the dark, focusing on that tiny burning light inside of me, and pray that there really is something on the other side.
2 comments:
Missy, it would be ridiculous for someone like me to promise you anymore, but I can promise you this: that mustard seed? It's enough, even to move the mountains of your self doubt.
Just cling to Christ, and the rest will work itself out. I'll be praying, my dear sister in Christ.
Not masochism dear, perseverance. Christ took up His Cross and suffered greatly leading up to his death. From the second He set foot upon His public ministry at Cana, He had laid out what was in store for Him.
I think you'll like the Mass readings tomorrow, I really do. *hug* Do as your other commenter says and reach out to Christ and cling to Him for all it is worth. He knows what it is to be tempted, to suffer, and to be reviled at times for His beliefs. Prayers as always...
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