More of You

Oh, how the mighty hath fallen! Two weeks into my grand plans that this time, I'm Going To Change, and grace is far from me. Good job, soldier.

In the meantime, I find myself returning to the empty handed helplessness I often find myself experiencing before Confession. And, really, despite everything, it's not the most awful place to be.

It hit me over Epiphany that the whole point of poverty is to make ourselves helpless. We are told to give up everything we have to follow Christ. When He called His Apostles from their old lives to be disciples, they dropped everything in that moment to go after Him.

And sometimes, when we don't listen, He sends floods. He turns our lives upside down to shake us up and turn us back to Him. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is where I'm at right now.

My relationship failed in its last weeks primarily because the focus turned completely away from God. There were a lot of reasons for this, but regardless, at that point His insistence that I follow Him couldn't be ignored. By then, things had gotten too muddled to ignore.

Perhaps that's what I needed. Maybe the relationship failed because I was insecure first with Him. It's often been said that you need to learn how to love God and be satisfied with just that before you'll ever be capable of giving your heart to another. Now, in hindsight, I can see how that was true for me.

As I adjust to loving Him and only Him, I've found myself balking. This is difficult! Too difficult sometimes, I wonder. I want nothing more than to make Him proud, and to be free of everything that keeps me from reaching the potential I'm capable of.

"He must increase, and I must decrease." Maybe I just need to get out of the way.