Forgiving

One of the things I think I've struggled the most with as I settled into the Church was the obligation of forgiveness.

What had me stuck was a passage in the Gospel that says if our brother sins seven times seventy times, we still need to forgive him if he asks for it.

"That's just outrageous!" I used to say to my old confessor. "All that does is let people walk on us."

He was quick to correct me in saying that forgiving isn't synonymous with being a doormat. We have every right to speak up when we are being treated unfairly. Sometimes, I wish I had known that sooner. Too often I've found myself holding my tongue out of what I thought was charity, be it at home or elsewhere, only hurting more in the process.

It was still something that confused me until fairly recently on retreat. One night while everyone was sleeping, I dug into one of my favorite theological classics -- C.S, Lewis' Mere Christianity. 

He has a whole chapter dedicated to forgiveness, but his philosophy is nothing like the one that I thought Christians held: we have to be friendly and  connected to people if we have truly forgiven them. If your best friend hurts you grievously, you have to go right on being their best friend and act like nothing ever happened if you're being true to Christ's words.

Honestly, where do I come up with some of these things? This is why you're not supposed to follow Him alone. (And also why spiritual direction exists.)

Yes, we are obligated to forgive even the worst sinner. This holds true even if he isn't sorry, is a killer, a rapist, or a cheater.

But forgiving someone doesn't mean we have to like them. Not even a little. We are still allowed to be righteously angry, hurt, and vulnerable, providing it's not unreasonable.

To forgive, we just need to sincerely want the best for the person who has hurt us, and for them to be whatever God wants them to be. Wanting that is the definition of loving someone in a Christian way.

I've been going through a book of Advent devotions that was suggested to me at Newman, and last night it said Advent is the time to let go of unforgiveness.

I lost some good friends this year, and will be the first to admit I made a lot of mistakes, too. Saying "I'm sorry" isn't always good enough in either case, unfortunately.

But I know that I can pray sincerely for those I've hurt. Every day that I do, I receive a little more healing.

"And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us..."

Maybe there's something to those words, after all.