Friday, December 31, 2010

Ending on a high note

I've got to be quick because I'm going out in just a few minutes. I'm spending the night with my closest guy friends from high school; we've done this every year since I was about 13. I couldn't imagine myself anywhere else.

New Year's Eve has always been a very weird, sensitive time of year -- when I first began my spiritual journey, it was this night when my then-partner told me he was cutting himself. A few weeks before that, I had made the decision to walk away from the occult, one that would leave me completely empty-handed and powerless.

It took me a long time to realize that the answer to all of that was Christ, but I did eventually figure that out. It will be five years ago tomorrow morning that I laid in my bed at 16, stared at the ceiling and told God to take over.

I'm a different person now, though I guess that's to be expected given the way people mature in their teens, but my life philosophy is totally different. There was very little driving me back then, only how to get everything I wanted and doing it all my way. I was both very shallow and very selfish.

Now, it's funny. I still have my moments, and often most of my troubles come when I wrestle control back from God insisting that I have the right answers. But in every moment I humble myself, suck it up and remember where my heart belongs, things always straighten out.

It's hard to believe that about a year ago I was teetering on the edge of nihilism and disbelief. I never want to go through that again, ever.

My Mom-Mom is still with us by the grace of God, and relatively stable, too. Both she and my Grandma were able to spend the day with my family on Christmas morning. I can remember the tears a few weeks before that, when she had said last Christmas would be her last. She was wrong, and I've thanked God every day since for the time we've gotten. My cat, too, is hanging in there, scrawny as could be but as the vet said yesterday, "She's 14. She looks damn good." ;)

And my faith has slowly but surely come around, and I dare say I feel stronger than ever before. The change came in the summer when I learned to be grateful for every blessing that comes my way, no matter how small or trivial. Couple that with fall retreat and learning to orient my life in the present moment, and I'm so happy to feel like myself, truly myself, for the first time in a long time.

Of course, I do have a lot of regrets. I lost my best friend this year, and I mourn that every day, but I still believe that for now, this is what's best. I know we pray for each other and that God and time works a lot of healing. That's all the reassurance I need. A lot of people that were in my life last year are no longer so close, mostly thanks to distance and time, but the ones closest to me have been phenomenal. I'm very lucky.

Here I am, on the eve of my graduation year with a budding freelance career and plenty of avenues to explore when May comes. The road ends here, but now's the time for me to blaze my own path. I'm ready.

Happy New Year, everyone!

No comments: