Stepping Up and Stepping Out

As I write this, I'm sitting in the midst of piles and piles of mess. It's always a project when you have just a few days left to take inventory of your entire life and stuff it all in boxes to haul to another county. Oh, to be in college. I caught myself singing Audrey Assad again as I packed: "Boxes full of things that I've shuffled and shifted place to place / all the years of me, everything I want to keep and throw away. / I know it's time, it's time to come clean..."

When I came home this summer, I was a tangle of anxiety and bitterness. Every day, I prayed for peace. Then, right as July rolled in, something amazing happened: I found it.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." The thing that needed to change, I realized, was me.

It had been me all along that shut down in denial when my relationship with my ex failed in the fall, and again at Christmas when Mom-Mom couldn't leave the house. I refused to accept God's help, and instead shut Him out in anger.

It did take a lot of courage to turn that around. I had to lay myself down and let God pull me out of the muck, but to do that, I had to admit that I needed support. When I did, I got in spades.

I've learned a lot of life lessons since then: how to appreciate the little things, worry less about the future and instead enjoy the ride. To stand up for myself and what I know is right. To fall gracefully and accept that yes, I do have limits. Who my friends are, and who they're not.

It hit me tonight singing in church that I'm going to trade in my back seat pew for being not only in Newman's music ministry, but their accompanist. In September, I was the new kid at the student newspaper. I had to crawl my way up to earn the respect of the other writers and the editorial board. Now I'm sitting on the board as head copy editor. And just recently, the Gannett daily I spent the summer with as a lowly intern has invited me to join the team as a freelancer. My first assignment will be filed next weekend.

I've been asked to step up in every part of my life all of a sudden. And you know what? I love it. So many people I trust have told me that I've changed, that I'm stronger. That I'm vibrant again.

This song will always be my theme from this summer.It reminds me of my best friend screaming at the TV over the World Cup, my cubicle neighbor doing Zumba in the newsroom and reminding me to stay carefree. To go big, or go home. That's my goal!