On the bright side, I'm now the girlfriend of a ... physicist?
Don't ask me how that happened, because I'm still trying to figure it out. Ha!
Relationships have always been a serious thing for me, but have become even more so since my reversion because I am reasonably certain this is my vocation. Every time I start over, the question lingers in the back of my head, "So, is this what I've been looking for?"
It's probably that same question that leaves me feeling extremely reluctant to get involved at all. As much as I want commitment, comfort, security -- hell, even a family -- the incredible risks I have to take to get there can be overwhelming.
You might remember that immediately after graduation, I made a very brief reference to a budding relationship I wasn't ready for. At the time, the gentleman in question was leaving the place we both called home to pursue grad school, and I was adjusting to my new job, being back at home, and so on. Add to that the endless family emergencies at the beginning of summer, and all I wanted to do was be alone.
So I told him that as sweet as he was, we should just be friends, and sent him off to New York.
And damn me, weeks later, I started to miss him. So typical.
Though, by then I figured that I had lost my chance. Feeling sad and foolish, I left it all in God's hands and told Him to show me what He wanted.
Literally 18 hours after I said that prayer, my friend asked me out of the blue where I stood with him: if I still wanted to remain friends, or move forward as a couple. He needed me to make a decision.
While I still wasn't sure of what I wanted and had many fears about where this could lead, B wisely reminded me that sometimes, all we can do is take a deep breath and leap. My confessor believes God used him in that moment to force me out of indecision and into doing something for once. I think he's right.
So I'm taking this chance. I've learned a lot in the last two years ... that time was necessary to rebuild myself and figure out where I stood with God. But now, I'm finally ready to move forward.
God is good.
2 comments:
In a way, (and I'm sure I'm a bad Catholic for saying) I'm glad I met and married my husband before my reversion, because I think I would have been paralyzed by 'what ifs' if I had been a serious Catholic.
That's exactly it. I was 17 before ... brand new to Christianity at nowhere near ready to marry. But now that I'm older, and we both know what dating is supposed to be, it can be nervewracking. One of those things where I just have to wait and see what He does.
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