Sometimes, when the darkness of this world settles in around us, the effects can be paralyzing.
Stress.
Anxiety.
Despair.
Anger.
Death.
And at the bottom of them all, a question: Why?
It's an ages-old dilemma that philosophy and theology have struggled to reconcile in who knows how many ways. Heaven knows that I lost many a good night's sleep wide at my apartment on campus pondering just that, and often crying bitterly to the God who I believed had shut the door on me.
I've since come home for the summer, dead-set on healing. With time, it's happening, even as the chaos here grows thicker. Receiving consolation on Pentecost was the motivator I've needed to rekindle my relationship with God, and while it's been a cautious and difficult road, I'm getting there. Given the gravity of the situation, I find I have little choice but to lay myself down at His feet and trust that, when the time comes, He'll carry me.
Until then, I've developed a deep sense of gratitude for what blessings do come my way. If I really allow myself to examine my life, it's amazing to me how many answered prayers I really have gotten this year. The fellowship I've needed for so long has come to me in more abundance than I ever could have asked for, I have spent 20 wonderful years with my grandmother, am slowly beginning a new and comfortable friendship with my ex, have a great summer job, close family, and a confessor that refuses to let me walk alone.
I am so lucky. And when I consider that, I find joy.
1 comment:
Our blessings come in strange and unusual packages sometimes, don't they? Mine came in a near-death car wreck that pretty much destroyed my life. On the other hand, God pretty much told me I was a loser and He had to start over and rebuild from nothing. That was pretty humbling.
You are an amazing person and, yes, I think there is a reason our paths have crossed. :) I know God will give you strength even when you don't think it will ever happen. Love you girl. <3
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