Walking in the Dark

Holding onto patience wearing thin,
I can't force these eyes to see the end...
This time we're not giving up,
Let's make it last forever.
--Paramore, "Hallelujah"

I've come to an understanding that this summer is meant to be a period of stretching for me.

My grandmother, with whom I am very close, had a major health setback early in June that made me wonder how long she'll be with us. She's semi-recovered and back home now, but the two weeks cumulatively she's spent in the hospital has changed her somewhat, and put incredible strain on my family, especially my mother.

I've lost touch with my confessor since he left us, and for reasons I'd rather not get into here, I can't go see him. When things are as crazy as they have been lately, it's incredibly difficult knowing I can't just visit and talk things out.

And, of course, I'm leaving home in just over a month. I find that my emotions are oscillating wildly through this, and it's getting worse as August 30th comes closer. Sometimes I'm giddy with excitement at the new things I'll experience, people I'll meet, and how busy I'll be. Other days, my mom in the kitchen or my dad coming home after work makes me incredibly sad. It's a feeling of "I'm not going to hear this all the time now." Sure, I'm going to be home on the weekend more often than not, but it doesn't change that I'll soon be turning the only life I know upside down yet again--the first time being the day I came back to the Church. ;)

The certainty I once had about my life, my career, my vocation, and God's will has been taken away from me. I no longer know where I belong, or what to do next.

At first, I rebelled at this revelation with anger. Why now, when I'm about to make such a big change? Why now, when I've been so happy for the past three years? Why now, when I crave certainty and confidence more than ever before?

Perhaps I've answered my own question. "For power is made perfect in weakness," St. Paul says.

"You are my strength when I am weak."

"When we are weak, that is when He best shows His strength in us."

Perhaps God is using this transition to get under my skin, to shake me out of my comfortable complacency and reach instead my heart that so often has its own ideas how things should go. By taking away all of my grand possibilities, He has forced me to take my eyes off the splitting roads ahead of me and instead, focus them on Him.

So far, I've failed pretty miserably at that, but there is always time to try again. I may have no idea where I'm headed anymore, but He does. The trick now is to live by Scripture which says "Even when I walk through the dark valley, I will fear no evil."

My pastor asked me to focus on seeking the next step, rather than trying to plan out the entire course of my life today. That next step is perhaps the only thing I know is going right: my education. I need to set myself up for a career with which I can support myself, and if I can help it, use for God.

Right now, I really am walking through the dark. All I can do is take His hand and trust that He'll lead me wherever I'm supposed to be.