This weekend while I was home for Thanksgiving break, I went to Mass at home to kick off the Advent season (read: go to Confession). What I found was that there was a whole lot more changing instead of just the addition of purple banners.
For one thing, the church was almost completely full.
Now, let me explain...I've been going to church there off and on (mostly off until my reversion) for 14 years. I've never seen it full except on Christmas Eve. Ever.
The choir was double the size (I heard from an older gentleman who often chats with me that it's even bigger on Sundays), some of the songs were different and -- miracle! -- people actually sang.
I found myself asking somewhere around the offertory if I was in the right church. Boy, was I impressed.
I've had a lot of uncertainty and mixed feelings surrounding the merger of many parishes in my local Diocese of Camden (you can read more about it at Abide With Us), but I left on Saturday night thinking that it might not be so bad at all. In fact, the effects have been pretty astounding. And this is only just the beginning; we still need to name the new parish and fully combine finances. All that caused this swarming of the pews was the elimination of simultaneous Masses at both churches.
Now, all we need to do is wait to see how the priest situation turns out. I will definitely be praying for good things.
This may very well be the start of something good!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Baby Bowen and Gratitude
One of my favorite Christian bands is Sanctus Real, a rock group headed by singer Matt Hammitt. He's famous for capturing hearts with his emotional lyrics paired with powerful melodies. Go on and listen to "Lead Me" on their website to get an idea of what I mean.
Earlier this fall, Hammitt found a new source of inspiration: the birth of his third child and first son, Bowen. He's had so many bumps and triumphs in his first months of life, and tonight his story graces ABC World News during an episode of gratitude.
This resonated with me, as someone who followed baby Bowen's progress on the radio, through Matt's Twitter, and Bowen's Heart, a website the family built chronicling his struggle for anxious supporters. I had a rough start, too -- born 3 months premature, I was under 2 lbs and spent 81 days in the hospital.
We all have a lot to be grateful for this week. I hope all of you have a happy and blessed Thanksgiving!
Here's the segment from ABC. Grab your tissues.
Earlier this fall, Hammitt found a new source of inspiration: the birth of his third child and first son, Bowen. He's had so many bumps and triumphs in his first months of life, and tonight his story graces ABC World News during an episode of gratitude.
This resonated with me, as someone who followed baby Bowen's progress on the radio, through Matt's Twitter, and Bowen's Heart, a website the family built chronicling his struggle for anxious supporters. I had a rough start, too -- born 3 months premature, I was under 2 lbs and spent 81 days in the hospital.
We all have a lot to be grateful for this week. I hope all of you have a happy and blessed Thanksgiving!
Here's the segment from ABC. Grab your tissues.
Friday, November 19, 2010
You have got to be kidding me.
Journalists see hairy things. We deal with extremists, idiots, tragedy and hatred on a regular basis. I can remember a friend of mine walking out of the newsroom in tears on the second day of her internship following an interview with a man who lost his son in an ATV wreck.
In features, things are admittedly swayed in the optimist's direction -- we focus on those things that make people feel good and showcase the power of the human spirit.
Through all of it, we uphold with a near-religious zeal the freedom of expression, no matter what. When we face an opinion opposed to ours, we have to hold fast to those values and bite our tongues, even when it hurts.
Sometimes, though, I have to draw the line. I have to separate myself from what I've been trained to do and rail a little. My boss always used to tell us that above all, we're still humans with real emotions and it's okay to let them out.
That said, what the hell. My faith in society has just been flushed down the toilet.
My friend Megan alerted me to the rhetorical bloodbath that is Birth or Die, a blog run by a Minnesota couple that has chosen to put the life of their unborn child in the hands of strangers on the Web. On Dec. 4, they will use the results of an on-site poll to determine whether to keep the baby or abort it.
A poll. For a human life!
Naturally, the site has been found and exploited by 4chan (do yourself a favor and don't visit), a notorious forum of organized individuals who thrive on cruelty, sadism, and some seriously perverted ideas. They flooded the poll with votes for abortion, and earlier it was almost even. Pete, the father of this unborn child, wrote that the votes would still count, because every voice deserved to be heard.
This is an extreme example of what happens when there is no regulation on our freedoms. Don't get me wrong; as a rule I am mostly anti-regulation. But this website is beyond disgusting. There are some questions as to whether or not it's even real, but I don't think that's even relevant. The fact that someone would even consider doing this is unbelievable.
Please vote. And pray for this family, who is clearly lacking in guidance.
In features, things are admittedly swayed in the optimist's direction -- we focus on those things that make people feel good and showcase the power of the human spirit.
Through all of it, we uphold with a near-religious zeal the freedom of expression, no matter what. When we face an opinion opposed to ours, we have to hold fast to those values and bite our tongues, even when it hurts.
Sometimes, though, I have to draw the line. I have to separate myself from what I've been trained to do and rail a little. My boss always used to tell us that above all, we're still humans with real emotions and it's okay to let them out.
That said, what the hell. My faith in society has just been flushed down the toilet.
My friend Megan alerted me to the rhetorical bloodbath that is Birth or Die, a blog run by a Minnesota couple that has chosen to put the life of their unborn child in the hands of strangers on the Web. On Dec. 4, they will use the results of an on-site poll to determine whether to keep the baby or abort it.
A poll. For a human life!
Naturally, the site has been found and exploited by 4chan (do yourself a favor and don't visit), a notorious forum of organized individuals who thrive on cruelty, sadism, and some seriously perverted ideas. They flooded the poll with votes for abortion, and earlier it was almost even. Pete, the father of this unborn child, wrote that the votes would still count, because every voice deserved to be heard.
This is an extreme example of what happens when there is no regulation on our freedoms. Don't get me wrong; as a rule I am mostly anti-regulation. But this website is beyond disgusting. There are some questions as to whether or not it's even real, but I don't think that's even relevant. The fact that someone would even consider doing this is unbelievable.
Please vote. And pray for this family, who is clearly lacking in guidance.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
When it counts...
Pray instead of worry.
Pray instead of worry.
Pray instead of...
Even as I have done my level best to hang on to the incredible changes that took place in me this past retreat, there are some things that even the strongest among us can't ignore right now.
Yesterday, a company that owns the vast majority of newspapers in this area made massive cuts in the form of layoffs. People I know in the industry lost their jobs. The total number of dismissed workers is hovering around 200 now. The vast majority of these open positions will not be filled. People like me who are starting to put out feelers for life post-graduation are suddenly finding many doors shut in our faces all at once. I've heard from a stringer friend at another South Jersey paper that they are quickly running out of money to pay her for the work she's done.
This comes at the heels of a less-than-stellar test grade, a case of sinusitis that hit on my 21st birthday, and reaching the end of my rope on some professional issues. I am praying hard about making some changes in the very near future.
The problem is, I have no idea what to do. May is coming, and with it, a world that seems all too reluctant to offer me a comfortable place anywhere, let alone in my field.
I don't mean to sound dreary -- in all honesty, it's in moments like these where I'm especially grateful for the hope and provision that I will always have because of Christ. The majority of my friends in the journalism industry don't have that assurance like I do, and are despairing after yesterday's punch in the gut. The hardest thing is thinking about where we will be tomorrow. Where this field is concerned, absolutely no one is safe.
But you know what? Faith teaches me not to worry about tomorrow. All I can do is be brave, keep my head up, and surrender the rest to God. He's always taken care of me, and I can put my confidence in that.
I'm still in need of some serious direction as I consider my next immediate step, though. Please pray for my (professional) discernment.
Pray instead of worry.
Pray instead of...
Even as I have done my level best to hang on to the incredible changes that took place in me this past retreat, there are some things that even the strongest among us can't ignore right now.
Yesterday, a company that owns the vast majority of newspapers in this area made massive cuts in the form of layoffs. People I know in the industry lost their jobs. The total number of dismissed workers is hovering around 200 now. The vast majority of these open positions will not be filled. People like me who are starting to put out feelers for life post-graduation are suddenly finding many doors shut in our faces all at once. I've heard from a stringer friend at another South Jersey paper that they are quickly running out of money to pay her for the work she's done.
This comes at the heels of a less-than-stellar test grade, a case of sinusitis that hit on my 21st birthday, and reaching the end of my rope on some professional issues. I am praying hard about making some changes in the very near future.
The problem is, I have no idea what to do. May is coming, and with it, a world that seems all too reluctant to offer me a comfortable place anywhere, let alone in my field.
I don't mean to sound dreary -- in all honesty, it's in moments like these where I'm especially grateful for the hope and provision that I will always have because of Christ. The majority of my friends in the journalism industry don't have that assurance like I do, and are despairing after yesterday's punch in the gut. The hardest thing is thinking about where we will be tomorrow. Where this field is concerned, absolutely no one is safe.
But you know what? Faith teaches me not to worry about tomorrow. All I can do is be brave, keep my head up, and surrender the rest to God. He's always taken care of me, and I can put my confidence in that.
I'm still in need of some serious direction as I consider my next immediate step, though. Please pray for my (professional) discernment.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
High Dive
I stand on my tip-toes at the edge of the board, staring down at the water below. I can't see what's under the surface and have no way of knowing what's ahead of me or how this is going to go. I can only have faith and throw myself forward with joy and the tiniest bit of wild abandon. ;) (Just a little. I promise.)
Enough with the metaphor. If we want to get technical, I'm reaching the last milestone of my youth tonight. I'll be 21 in a few hours ... welcome to the rest of life, etc.
I could let it become dry and boring and ordinary like that, living with regrets, in sadness or in fear of the future. But I won't. I can't. I'm made of different stuff than that.
The future is bright. Now all I have to do is take the leap and see where He'll lead me.
All I can say is that I am humbled by everything that's happened this far, and the number of unbelievable and amazing people that support me. I think of the person I was this time last year, and I can say without hesitation that I've grown a great deal since then.
God is so good to me, and I know that this is only the beginning.
Enough with the metaphor. If we want to get technical, I'm reaching the last milestone of my youth tonight. I'll be 21 in a few hours ... welcome to the rest of life, etc.
I could let it become dry and boring and ordinary like that, living with regrets, in sadness or in fear of the future. But I won't. I can't. I'm made of different stuff than that.
The future is bright. Now all I have to do is take the leap and see where He'll lead me.
All I can say is that I am humbled by everything that's happened this far, and the number of unbelievable and amazing people that support me. I think of the person I was this time last year, and I can say without hesitation that I've grown a great deal since then.
God is so good to me, and I know that this is only the beginning.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Freedom from the future
I've been meaning to write for well over a week now, and then midterms happened. Even now there is so much I should be doing -- for one thing it's going on three and I'm still dressed -- but I think if I let this go any longer I'll never find the time.
Retreat was interesting in a lot of ways. There was more structure than last year under our old chaplain, probably because our new priest spent many years running a retreat house in the U.K. Of course, the fact that this year had a central theme had a lot to do with that, too.
Pray instead of worry -- story of my life. Now and then I find myself thinking "let go and let God" ... even though my old confessor drove me crazy with that slogan and I never listened. He was right, though. And for the first time in my life, I can say that I think I'm finally learning to do that.
We spent a good deal of time going over some of my favorite passages in Scripture -- most of Matthew 6 particularly. And every now and then he would send us off for 20 minutes to journal and pray. As I did, I finally allowed myself to make an uncensored list of every fear and worry that plagued me. That first night, I filled the page and let the tears come over how controlling I have let them be. I was so frustrated with myself, disappointed, and scared. If I lost this much sleep at only 20, what would I be like in another 20 years?
Over the next 24 hours I wrote a lot more, during Father's talks, during those periods of reflection, and sometimes at night after everyone else had gone to sleep, always praying for peace. The real change came on my quiet hour.
Saturday afternoon I walked the grounds, watching the leaves blow (have you ever noticed that it looks as if a hand is scattering them? I have. God's little fingerprints, I like to think. :)) until I found my way to the little church that's always empty, letting me pray aloud. Every time I walk in there, I'm flooded with memories -- I lashed out at Him there once in October when I lost love, and again in March after I had lost my faith.
This time, I asked a stream of questions, most of them like my list, "What am I supposed to do about...?"
Until last weekend, May 13, 2011 was going to be the end of my world. I would be ripped from the safety of academia and shoved, helpless, into the real world where nothing was certain. No Newman, less independence living at home, less contact with friends. Providing a life for myself -- a job, somewhere to live, a support system, maybe a new church, (please God) someone to walk with me in marriage someday...What am I going to do? How am I going to do this? I can't do it by myself!
Just like that, it hit me, all that we had been learning, and I was stunned into silence. "Who among you by worrying can add a moment to his life?" "Have no anxiety about anything." "You see how God cares for the sparrows, so how much more will He care for you? You are much more precious than they."
God has gotten me this far. Every step of the way, He has come through, even though it's not instantaneous and sometimes rocky. And He's promised me only this moment, not tomorrow. I can't worry about the future anymore. When I do, I miss today. Hell, I might not even be here tomorrow. But I have the present.
Trusting in His providence 100% for the first time is so liberating. I was always so scared to do it, but I left my baggage at the altar in Elverson and walked away. I'm okay with that, because as long as I stick with Him, I'll get where I need to be. That's something we're promised, too, and He always keeps His promises. End of story.
ETA: This verse literally just appeared on my Facebook. A God hug, as Cat says...
Retreat was interesting in a lot of ways. There was more structure than last year under our old chaplain, probably because our new priest spent many years running a retreat house in the U.K. Of course, the fact that this year had a central theme had a lot to do with that, too.
Pray instead of worry -- story of my life. Now and then I find myself thinking "let go and let God" ... even though my old confessor drove me crazy with that slogan and I never listened. He was right, though. And for the first time in my life, I can say that I think I'm finally learning to do that.
We spent a good deal of time going over some of my favorite passages in Scripture -- most of Matthew 6 particularly. And every now and then he would send us off for 20 minutes to journal and pray. As I did, I finally allowed myself to make an uncensored list of every fear and worry that plagued me. That first night, I filled the page and let the tears come over how controlling I have let them be. I was so frustrated with myself, disappointed, and scared. If I lost this much sleep at only 20, what would I be like in another 20 years?
Over the next 24 hours I wrote a lot more, during Father's talks, during those periods of reflection, and sometimes at night after everyone else had gone to sleep, always praying for peace. The real change came on my quiet hour.
Saturday afternoon I walked the grounds, watching the leaves blow (have you ever noticed that it looks as if a hand is scattering them? I have. God's little fingerprints, I like to think. :)) until I found my way to the little church that's always empty, letting me pray aloud. Every time I walk in there, I'm flooded with memories -- I lashed out at Him there once in October when I lost love, and again in March after I had lost my faith.
This time, I asked a stream of questions, most of them like my list, "What am I supposed to do about...?"
Until last weekend, May 13, 2011 was going to be the end of my world. I would be ripped from the safety of academia and shoved, helpless, into the real world where nothing was certain. No Newman, less independence living at home, less contact with friends. Providing a life for myself -- a job, somewhere to live, a support system, maybe a new church, (please God) someone to walk with me in marriage someday...What am I going to do? How am I going to do this? I can't do it by myself!
Just like that, it hit me, all that we had been learning, and I was stunned into silence. "Who among you by worrying can add a moment to his life?" "Have no anxiety about anything." "You see how God cares for the sparrows, so how much more will He care for you? You are much more precious than they."
God has gotten me this far. Every step of the way, He has come through, even though it's not instantaneous and sometimes rocky. And He's promised me only this moment, not tomorrow. I can't worry about the future anymore. When I do, I miss today. Hell, I might not even be here tomorrow. But I have the present.
Trusting in His providence 100% for the first time is so liberating. I was always so scared to do it, but I left my baggage at the altar in Elverson and walked away. I'm okay with that, because as long as I stick with Him, I'll get where I need to be. That's something we're promised, too, and He always keeps His promises. End of story.
ETA: This verse literally just appeared on my Facebook. A God hug, as Cat says...
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
--Proverbs 3:5-6
Friday, October 15, 2010
Heading for the hills!
Just a brief post tonight because it's after 2:30, I've gotten very little sleep this week, and still have a suitcase to pack.
My campus ministry is joining up with another college in the area for our usual semester retreat this weekend in Elverson. We leave this afternoon, and I'm thrilled to say that all of this week's homework is taken care of, so I'll have no worries while I'm there.
That's ironic, considering our theme will be "pray instead of worry." Where was this retreat last fall? Or last spring? Some things are constant in my life, and worry is unfortunately one of them...I'm looking forward to seeing what God will do. All I know is that when it comes to retreat weekends, He never disappoints.
That said, I leave with an open mind, open heart, and a very big bag of junk food. ;) I'll remember the particular intentions of those of you I know to pray for, and ask that you do the same for us.
See you Sunday!
My campus ministry is joining up with another college in the area for our usual semester retreat this weekend in Elverson. We leave this afternoon, and I'm thrilled to say that all of this week's homework is taken care of, so I'll have no worries while I'm there.
That's ironic, considering our theme will be "pray instead of worry." Where was this retreat last fall? Or last spring? Some things are constant in my life, and worry is unfortunately one of them...I'm looking forward to seeing what God will do. All I know is that when it comes to retreat weekends, He never disappoints.
That said, I leave with an open mind, open heart, and a very big bag of junk food. ;) I'll remember the particular intentions of those of you I know to pray for, and ask that you do the same for us.
See you Sunday!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Delivered!
Okay, so get this.
You'll remember that last week I wrote a post lamenting about how much pressure I'm under where music ministry is concerned. This weekend, in order to try and curt tail some of my stress, I decided to work ahead and prepare for several weeks' worth of Masses at once. This way, I'd already have the songs "under my fingers" if you will, which would make things a lot less tedious when it came time to use them this month.
At some point in the process, I turned to the next song and discovered a page worth of *mess* -- four sharps in the key signature, 6/8 for a time signature (fun, but hard to sight read), and no music given for the verses. After a solid two hours of learning music, seeing that made me snap. In typical girl fashion, I got all watery and went stomping off to the shower to deal with my blood pressure.
While there, I did some serious praying on a lot of bitterness that I've experienced lately, including my responsibilities to the paper and Newman, plus some unexpected hurt by a friend that has left me feeling more than a little bruised in the romance department. (Not you, Joe. Promise.) Essentially, what I said was "Lord, you know that I have all of this frustration and sadness on my shoulders, and I am really having a hard time dealing with it all at once like this. Please give me the strength to handle it, or handle it yourself?"
Today...I mentioned to our chaplain that I wouldn't be playing a certain Mass in a few weeks. He said that was fine, and then added as an afterthought: "Oh, by the way, you won't need to do the piano at St. Bridget's -- that's a large burden on you, and so they're going to bring someone in."
WHAT? Really??? To top it off, he also heard me singing today at the rehearsal, and added that taking me off the piano would add a very strong alto/tenor to the group. Singing, by the way, is why I joined music ministry in the first place.
And within five minutes of that encounter, I got a chance to reconcile with the gentleman who had hurt me. I knew last week that I hadn't been very good to him -- giving someone the cold shoulder and a "don't touch me" just because of my own hurts was not my proudest moment. But, because I actually humbled myself and apologized, things are a lot better now. In the process, I've found that the hurt I was hanging onto has eased a great deal.
Just like that, two big stressors in my life have been completely removed. God answers prayers, folks. :)
You'll remember that last week I wrote a post lamenting about how much pressure I'm under where music ministry is concerned. This weekend, in order to try and curt tail some of my stress, I decided to work ahead and prepare for several weeks' worth of Masses at once. This way, I'd already have the songs "under my fingers" if you will, which would make things a lot less tedious when it came time to use them this month.
At some point in the process, I turned to the next song and discovered a page worth of *mess* -- four sharps in the key signature, 6/8 for a time signature (fun, but hard to sight read), and no music given for the verses. After a solid two hours of learning music, seeing that made me snap. In typical girl fashion, I got all watery and went stomping off to the shower to deal with my blood pressure.
While there, I did some serious praying on a lot of bitterness that I've experienced lately, including my responsibilities to the paper and Newman, plus some unexpected hurt by a friend that has left me feeling more than a little bruised in the romance department. (Not you, Joe. Promise.) Essentially, what I said was "Lord, you know that I have all of this frustration and sadness on my shoulders, and I am really having a hard time dealing with it all at once like this. Please give me the strength to handle it, or handle it yourself?"
Today...I mentioned to our chaplain that I wouldn't be playing a certain Mass in a few weeks. He said that was fine, and then added as an afterthought: "Oh, by the way, you won't need to do the piano at St. Bridget's -- that's a large burden on you, and so they're going to bring someone in."
WHAT? Really??? To top it off, he also heard me singing today at the rehearsal, and added that taking me off the piano would add a very strong alto/tenor to the group. Singing, by the way, is why I joined music ministry in the first place.
And within five minutes of that encounter, I got a chance to reconcile with the gentleman who had hurt me. I knew last week that I hadn't been very good to him -- giving someone the cold shoulder and a "don't touch me" just because of my own hurts was not my proudest moment. But, because I actually humbled myself and apologized, things are a lot better now. In the process, I've found that the hurt I was hanging onto has eased a great deal.
Just like that, two big stressors in my life have been completely removed. God answers prayers, folks. :)
Friday, October 1, 2010
Sex, Booze and ... Jesus?
This entry's title expresses the thoughts of the local media and student body as we advertised Theology on Tap this week. A South Jersey "chapter" of the young adult fellowship had its debut outing yesterday at the bar right down the street from campus.
Never would I have pictured myself at a bar with 80 other people ages 18 to 35 listening to a talk about chastity and rocking out to Kutless over drinks. But it happened, and it was awesome. =) (For the record, I didn't drink anything of my own, thank you very much. One more month!)
Our speaker for the evening was Dawn Eden, a rock journalist and Catholic convert who published The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On in 2007.
"God wants you to have great sex," she joked, earning a hearty applause from the crowd. She quickly followed that up with the clarification that great sex is the kind that is given to one person freely, fruitfully and for life in marriage. But it doesn't mean we have to shut ourselves down and become asexual as long as we're single.
It's funny how so many people believe the way to stay pure is by viewing anything sexual as perverted and evil. The problem with this way of thinking is twofold: first, it backfires in the sense that resisting it is like ignoring an elephant in the room; you will go crazy if you try to act like your sexuality is nonexistent. When Dawn told us this, there was a sense of shuffling feet and people shifting awkwardly in their chairs. One of my girl friends nudged me knowingly in the ribs. Clearly, Dawn knows how we suffer. ;)
The second problem is that if sex is evil, then so is your body, your emotions and your thoughts. Too often people end up resenting any sort of pleasure under that philosophy, and that's gnosticism, which is unhealthy on a lot of levels (not to mention heretical, haha).
So if abstinence is the wrong way to stay pure, what's the right way? Chastity is different because it doesn't ignore sexuality or try to force it away. Instead, it just shuffles our priorities to a place where emotional intimacy and communication are number one. You can be very intimate and very happy without ever touching the person you love -- and as someone who was in a long-distance relationship for three years, I can attest to that. :)
Is it difficult? Absolutely. Do you screw up sometimes? For sure. But there is something so freeing in not having to worry about providing for a man's (or woman's) "needs," being judged or compared or disrespected or used. When you commit to being chaste, you commit to loving a person for the way God created them, and not just for the what they can do, if you know what I mean.
On a college campus, chastity is a laughable concept. Just about everyone feels like their goal in life is to get physical as quick as possible, and for some, with as many people as possible. My college paper runs a weekly sex column that has actually stirred up fierce debate on campus. Some are calling him a pig, and many others are saying "Hey, that's just how guys are." It's a mess of confusion, degradation and hurt.
It might be unpleasant a lot of the time, and I might be waiting a lot longer than my peers because of my commitment to stay a virgin until marriage (I hear people like me are avoided because of that! Their loss.), but in the end, the lack of baggage is totally worth it.
Never would I have pictured myself at a bar with 80 other people ages 18 to 35 listening to a talk about chastity and rocking out to Kutless over drinks. But it happened, and it was awesome. =) (For the record, I didn't drink anything of my own, thank you very much. One more month!)
Our speaker for the evening was Dawn Eden, a rock journalist and Catholic convert who published The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On in 2007.
"God wants you to have great sex," she joked, earning a hearty applause from the crowd. She quickly followed that up with the clarification that great sex is the kind that is given to one person freely, fruitfully and for life in marriage. But it doesn't mean we have to shut ourselves down and become asexual as long as we're single.
It's funny how so many people believe the way to stay pure is by viewing anything sexual as perverted and evil. The problem with this way of thinking is twofold: first, it backfires in the sense that resisting it is like ignoring an elephant in the room; you will go crazy if you try to act like your sexuality is nonexistent. When Dawn told us this, there was a sense of shuffling feet and people shifting awkwardly in their chairs. One of my girl friends nudged me knowingly in the ribs. Clearly, Dawn knows how we suffer. ;)
The second problem is that if sex is evil, then so is your body, your emotions and your thoughts. Too often people end up resenting any sort of pleasure under that philosophy, and that's gnosticism, which is unhealthy on a lot of levels (not to mention heretical, haha).
So if abstinence is the wrong way to stay pure, what's the right way? Chastity is different because it doesn't ignore sexuality or try to force it away. Instead, it just shuffles our priorities to a place where emotional intimacy and communication are number one. You can be very intimate and very happy without ever touching the person you love -- and as someone who was in a long-distance relationship for three years, I can attest to that. :)
Is it difficult? Absolutely. Do you screw up sometimes? For sure. But there is something so freeing in not having to worry about providing for a man's (or woman's) "needs," being judged or compared or disrespected or used. When you commit to being chaste, you commit to loving a person for the way God created them, and not just for the what they can do, if you know what I mean.
On a college campus, chastity is a laughable concept. Just about everyone feels like their goal in life is to get physical as quick as possible, and for some, with as many people as possible. My college paper runs a weekly sex column that has actually stirred up fierce debate on campus. Some are calling him a pig, and many others are saying "Hey, that's just how guys are." It's a mess of confusion, degradation and hurt.
It might be unpleasant a lot of the time, and I might be waiting a lot longer than my peers because of my commitment to stay a virgin until marriage (I hear people like me are avoided because of that! Their loss.), but in the end, the lack of baggage is totally worth it.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Confessions of a Disgruntled Music Minister
I've always said that I would never post anything online that I wouldn't want broadcast on the news, and the same holds true for this blog, at least to a certain extent. But at the same time, a lot of the reason why I write here is to work out both my triumphs and my face plants.
Today was a big, fat face plant.
The short version of it is that I stumbled into Newman an hour into music rehearsals because I was at a birthday party for my baby cousin. When I got there, seven pairs of eyes were on me. There's only so much you can accomplish without a pianist, after all. The predictable knot of anxiety tightened on cue in my stomach.
I'm not going to lie -- I hate this job. It fell into my lap as our old pianist fell out with the group and left unexpectedly. I've never had more than a year of formal lessons, and the 15 years I've been playing piano has been by ear and sight reading. Thankfully, I can read music, which has helped immensely in this process.
But then there's the issue of dealing with eight singers, a clarinet player and a flute player, the majority of whom don't read music, learning about what makes a proper liturgy, dealing with the priest's opinions, suggestions, and last minute changes. I know a fair bit of my home church's hymnal from Mass, but often the songs that are chosen for me are totally unfamiliar. Of course, on top of my classes, the newspaper and my freelancing gig, I'm expected to learn all of these songs by Sunday, supply the propers for Mass, and get the congregation singing.
Some days it goes down pretty well, but on days like today we just fall flat on our faces. One month from now, we're going to be moving to the local parish, where I'm naturally going to be playing for the student Masses.
...I can barely hold together a Mass while hiding in a dark basement chapel, let alone a church!
Couple that with having to abstain from Communion because I couldn't leave rehearsal to confess, and leaving my purse in the car, forcing my parents to drive it all the way back up here from home, I'm about ready to curl up in a ball and forget tonight happened. :P
The most that I can do on days like these is take a long, deep breath and trust that this job wouldn't have fallen to me if God didn't find me capable of it. Sometimes, I wonder if He's thinking of the right person when He does these things. ;) But hey, I've gotten this far. And I can take the good with the bad, too. Serving others is worth it in the end...but man, sometimes it's frustrating.
Better luck next week, I hope.
Today was a big, fat face plant.
The short version of it is that I stumbled into Newman an hour into music rehearsals because I was at a birthday party for my baby cousin. When I got there, seven pairs of eyes were on me. There's only so much you can accomplish without a pianist, after all. The predictable knot of anxiety tightened on cue in my stomach.
I'm not going to lie -- I hate this job. It fell into my lap as our old pianist fell out with the group and left unexpectedly. I've never had more than a year of formal lessons, and the 15 years I've been playing piano has been by ear and sight reading. Thankfully, I can read music, which has helped immensely in this process.
But then there's the issue of dealing with eight singers, a clarinet player and a flute player, the majority of whom don't read music, learning about what makes a proper liturgy, dealing with the priest's opinions, suggestions, and last minute changes. I know a fair bit of my home church's hymnal from Mass, but often the songs that are chosen for me are totally unfamiliar. Of course, on top of my classes, the newspaper and my freelancing gig, I'm expected to learn all of these songs by Sunday, supply the propers for Mass, and get the congregation singing.
Some days it goes down pretty well, but on days like today we just fall flat on our faces. One month from now, we're going to be moving to the local parish, where I'm naturally going to be playing for the student Masses.
...I can barely hold together a Mass while hiding in a dark basement chapel, let alone a church!
Couple that with having to abstain from Communion because I couldn't leave rehearsal to confess, and leaving my purse in the car, forcing my parents to drive it all the way back up here from home, I'm about ready to curl up in a ball and forget tonight happened. :P
The most that I can do on days like these is take a long, deep breath and trust that this job wouldn't have fallen to me if God didn't find me capable of it. Sometimes, I wonder if He's thinking of the right person when He does these things. ;) But hey, I've gotten this far. And I can take the good with the bad, too. Serving others is worth it in the end...but man, sometimes it's frustrating.
Better luck next week, I hope.
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