More of You

Oh, how the mighty hath fallen! Two weeks into my grand plans that this time, I'm Going To Change, and grace is far from me. Good job, soldier.

In the meantime, I find myself returning to the empty handed helplessness I often find myself experiencing before Confession. And, really, despite everything, it's not the most awful place to be.

It hit me over Epiphany that the whole point of poverty is to make ourselves helpless. We are told to give up everything we have to follow Christ. When He called His Apostles from their old lives to be disciples, they dropped everything in that moment to go after Him.

And sometimes, when we don't listen, He sends floods. He turns our lives upside down to shake us up and turn us back to Him. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is where I'm at right now.

My relationship failed in its last weeks primarily because the focus turned completely away from God. There were a lot of reasons for this, but regardless, at that point His insistence that I follow Him couldn't be ignored. By then, things had gotten too muddled to ignore.

Perhaps that's what I needed. Maybe the relationship failed because I was insecure first with Him. It's often been said that you need to learn how to love God and be satisfied with just that before you'll ever be capable of giving your heart to another. Now, in hindsight, I can see how that was true for me.

As I adjust to loving Him and only Him, I've found myself balking. This is difficult! Too difficult sometimes, I wonder. I want nothing more than to make Him proud, and to be free of everything that keeps me from reaching the potential I'm capable of.

"He must increase, and I must decrease." Maybe I just need to get out of the way.

Epiphany Tunes

Happy Feast of the Epiphany! Merry Christmas--for just a day, in both the West and East.

Have a present. These guys, Straight No Chaser, are an a cappella group that got their start as college buddies in Indiana. Three years ago, one of the group members posted videos from their performing days to reminisce with friends; what he never expected were over three million views, one being from a major record label. They've since been signed and are touring a larger circuit than they would have ever dreamed.

Enjoy!

The Epiphany of Poverty

This past weekend, one of the priests from our "sister" parish that we'll be merging with came to say Mass. It was the Feast of the Epiphany (though I'm still trying to figure out how that works, what with the sixth being Thursday...), and so he was preaching about the wise men.

He cast light on many elements of the story that I'd never considered, perhaps most notably the fact that they were--duh, Melissa--magi. Pagans. Non-Christians. And yet, they were pulled from three different countries to give homage to the Son of God. They weren't connected to the Holy Family at all, and knew next to nothing about the baby they would soon adore. All they knew was that somewhere, something amazing was happening.

The homily reminded me of an Advent homily my pastor gave last year, where he described just how lowly the conditions in Bethlehem would have been where Christ was born.

God brought salvation out of extreme poverty. He used an ordinary girl to change the entire world, and brought poor men from around the known world to worship Him. It proves to me time and time again that God will use anyone to further His glory. He passed over so many--the wealthy, kings, priests, nobles--in favor of the meek, humble and poor. Maybe Jesus said that "blessed are the poor in spirit" for a reason. It only solidifies that He doesn't desire us to win favor with this world as the "prosperity gospel" may suggest. Notoriety only gets in the way of what He wants--our simple love and affection.

(Goodness, is it just me, or do I sound a touch Franciscan tonight?)

Out of Exile

I'm back! I wonder if anyone will notice. :)

My semester with Abide With Us is behind me now, and I can finally return to my first love, this blog. While I still can't guarantee frequent updates given my courseload, it's my intention for the new year to blog when I can. I need some sort of outlet for my creativity that's not newswriting, after all.

So much has changed since my last substantial post, and I can say with certainty that my personal and spiritual growth has been exponential since living away from home. I'm back in town on winter break for the time being, which gives me ample opportunities to reflect on all that's happened.

My university Newman Center is without a doubt the biggest blessing I could have received in transferring schools, more than the surprising ease of independent living or at least one compatible roommate. I have regular access to the Sacraments, can attend Mass three times a week, and live right down the street from the Blessed Sacrament. With the emotional turmoil of the last few months, it's safe to say that the Eucharist has kept me sane. More than that, though, I found fellowship with people that really, truly understand why this Faith is so important to me. They live it just as passionately as I do. It's a welcome change, having allies.

I'm single, and though that decision came a few months ago now, it's one that will take me a good while to process. My vocation is still to marriage, of that much I'm mostly sure...but now I'm left to learn what it means to be alone with Him. My entire journey with God (as a Catholic) has taken place within the span of that relationship, and it's only now that I realize how often I leaned on the gentleman instead of on Love Himself. It was a reasonable flaw that can be expected, I suppose. My faith still has all of the ups and downs it did, but now, He is my sole partner, at least for this season. It's a challenge, but one I'm growing stronger for.

"There is a time for everything," Ecclesiastes says. It will be interesting to see where this new leg of the race will lead me.

Peace in the new year! More to come.

Note to self

There is a time of endurance, a time of long suffering, a time of healing, a time of correction. Have you stumbled? Arise. Have you sinned? Cease.

--St. Basil the Great

Certainty?

As always, one from my dear friend Catherine's secret quote cave. This is particularly apt for where I'm at right now.

We are so constituted, that if we insist upon being as sure as is conceivable, in every step of our course, we must be content to creep along the ground, and can never soar. If we are intended for great ends, we are called to great hazards; and, whereas we are given absolute certainty in nothing, we must in all things choose between doubt and inactivity, and the conviction that we are under the eye of One who, for whatever reason, exercises us with the less evidence when He might give us the greater.

Life is a risk. I need to take it, and take it for all it's worth. I need to live.

New blog!

Readers here may be interested in knowing that as a part of my Online Journalism course, I'm being required to keep a blog this semester.

Yes, I'm serious. It took a lot of self-control not to squeal with joy during class.

The best part is it's on a topic of my choice, and after some discussion with my professor about the execution and direction, along with prayer, I've decided to do it about Catholicism. Being involved in the Catholic Campus Ministries family gives me access to plenty of contacts, and I've been in touch with all but one of my priests, who are all excited and ready to help.

This is perhaps that window I've been looking for; an opportunity to open up about the faith, subtly teach the truth, and combine my academics with something I really love.

Abide With Us will have a very different feel from this blog--for one, it's not going to be about my intimate experiences and struggles. Instead, I'm going to do some apologetics work while covering what happens at CCM and how we grow as the young end of the Body of Christ.

Please pray for me and, if you can, link to me throughout this process--I'd really like to do some good for the Church with it, and considering I've always wanted to become a religion beat reporter, it almost seems like God is handing this to me. Trust me, I'm not complaining!

You can find my new blog here: Abide With Us

Drifting

Hello from my new home, my new university, my new life...

A short post for you all this evening, as I have class in the morning, but I wanted to write a little bit about where I've been in the last six weeks.

Moving away to university has turned out to be every bit as uncomfortable as I imagined, but thankfully not unbearable. My housemates are more or less congenial to one another, and I'm finding that my floormate and I are rather compatible. My classwork is challenging, but it feels so good to be learning from people who have been there and achieved the things I wish to achieve. (The fact that we talk about the value of blogging in almost every lecture doesn't hurt, either. ;)) Small blessings, to be sure.

The greatest blessing of all, though, is the Newman Center here. I've been with them for two weeks now, and have nothing but good to say about the people. They've been incredibly warm and immediately accepted me as one of the family, although it's going to take some time before true friendships begin to blossom. The best part is that I have access to Mass a few times a week, and several adults who are available for spiritual direction. I've just started praying about asking one to become my director. We're also discussing weekly Adoration, and I hope it happens! In the midst of all this chaos, I could really use some quiet time in His Presence.

My vocation is like a pendulum these days. One day I feel fine and at peace, and the next I feel like I'm drowning. Things in my personal life have made the way things stand currently very difficult, but I have no idea what the next step is for me. God has been particularly silent throughout this, but today at Mass, I got the slightest hint of the need to be patient, to step back and be close to Him. I am praying that everything will work out soon--I know that they will in God's time, but not knowing and being so uncomfortable has driven me very near insanity at times. ;) Still, I carry on every day, I try not to worry about the future, and I pray that God will continue to lead me in the direction I need to be. All I can really do is hold on for the ride.

Papa's a Rockstar

In the beginning of his papacy, I was a little skeptical about Pope Benedict XVI. I had left the occult only a few months before he was elected, and my bitterness toward Christianity in general and the Church in particular was still running high.

His visit to the United States last year gave me the opportunity to get to know his mind and personality in a way that was much more personal. He spoke my language, in my country, on the issues that were important to me as both a young person and an American citizen. I admired him from then on, and that admiration has only increased since then.

This, though, takes the cake: it was announced this week through both secular and Catholic news outlets that the Holy Father will be releasing a Christmas CD this year.

No joke! The CD will be produced on the same record label that housed giants like Elton John and Guns N Roses, in the same place where the Beatles recorded, and with musical accompaniment by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. It will include the Pope singing his favorite hymns, prayers in various different languages, and--perhaps most interesting of all--several original piano pieces that he composed himself.

Most people are aware that Paparatzi is an accomplished classical pianist, and as a musician myself I've always really wanted to hear him play. Looks like now I'm going to get my chance, and from the sounds of things, it's not going to be too shabby, either!

As a bonus, all the proceeds go to charity. Can't beat that!

Check out the full scoop via ABC News.

On Love

God is Love.

It's a simple phrase that is drilled into both the heads and hearts of Christians of all flavors. Often it seems that we hear it so often, we parrot it without thinking, understanding, or really listening to what we're saying. The same can be said for the Lord's Prayer, or the Hail Mary.

There is a God, and He loves us. God is love.

We know this intellectually, and we can assent to it, but do we know it in our hearts? Do we live out the revelation of God as love in our lives?

I may have come to Christ on my own, with no one to support me in that decision, but I can say with certainty that in those early days nearly three years ago now, it was my beloved that would help me to keep my faith alive. God used him in a very real way to get to me, and to say "I love you."

I so often fail at loving God--and, by extension, loving those closest to my heart--more often than I would ever admit. It's only when I find myself faced with my grandmother's constant support, or the constant forgiveness of my other half, that I realize how incredibly inadequate my love can be.

A lot of times, that realization is an incredibly painful one. "Love one another," Jesus commands us at the Last Supper, in words that still echo today as our Great Commission. The one thing we are asked to do above all is something I am mediocre with at best.

Recently, I was confronted head-on with that inadequacy in a way I didn't allow myself to accept previously. At first, there was incredible sadness, anger and despair as I recalled in rapid succession all the times I've withheld affection, raised my voice in anger, or said hurtful things purely out of spite. But then, something changed. I was inspired in the midst of my pain with thoughts that shook me out of my fog. I wouldn't be surprised if it was motivated by the Holy Spirit in the end.

God is Love.

To encounter Love is to encounter God Himself! And look at how people behaved when meeting God in Scripture--they went straight to their faces in awe, wonder, and knowledge of their own human failings. I see that in myself often; I end up in tears before the Blessed Sacrament almost every time I go to Mass or Adoration.

Having a living relationship with Christ has taught me, as St. Paul said, that "all have...fallen short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). If I were to stand on my own merit, there's no way I could ever hope to deserve Him. But He sees me in His own image. He knows my imperfections, but chooses to embrace me in spite of them.

Being with my other half is the same way. Sometimes we let each other down. Sometimes we hurt each other needlessly. But, despite everything, we still forgive. We take each other back, time and time again, because of our love.

Maybe that's why I fear my vocation to marriage so much. If God is love, then to enter into marriage and therefore sacrificial, selfless love, is to unite ourselves in a very real way to Christ's Passion. We'll be given to strength to bear that cross, but no one ever said it's going to be easy. Quite the opposite, in fact.

We all fall short of God's glory. If God is love, then reason tells us we fall short of loving as we should, as well.

Of course I'm going to fail at love--both the emotional sort and Love Himself. It's a consequence of the Fall, I suppose.

But, thankfully, God's mercy is infinite, and even when we fail ourselves, one another, and even Him, He is ready to forgive and fill us with the grace we need to move forward.

I can only hope that I will continue to forgive myself, and that those I've hurt can forgive me, too. With God, anything is possible. I trust in that now more than ever. :)