New blog!

Readers here may be interested in knowing that as a part of my Online Journalism course, I'm being required to keep a blog this semester.

Yes, I'm serious. It took a lot of self-control not to squeal with joy during class.

The best part is it's on a topic of my choice, and after some discussion with my professor about the execution and direction, along with prayer, I've decided to do it about Catholicism. Being involved in the Catholic Campus Ministries family gives me access to plenty of contacts, and I've been in touch with all but one of my priests, who are all excited and ready to help.

This is perhaps that window I've been looking for; an opportunity to open up about the faith, subtly teach the truth, and combine my academics with something I really love.

Abide With Us will have a very different feel from this blog--for one, it's not going to be about my intimate experiences and struggles. Instead, I'm going to do some apologetics work while covering what happens at CCM and how we grow as the young end of the Body of Christ.

Please pray for me and, if you can, link to me throughout this process--I'd really like to do some good for the Church with it, and considering I've always wanted to become a religion beat reporter, it almost seems like God is handing this to me. Trust me, I'm not complaining!

You can find my new blog here: Abide With Us

Drifting

Hello from my new home, my new university, my new life...

A short post for you all this evening, as I have class in the morning, but I wanted to write a little bit about where I've been in the last six weeks.

Moving away to university has turned out to be every bit as uncomfortable as I imagined, but thankfully not unbearable. My housemates are more or less congenial to one another, and I'm finding that my floormate and I are rather compatible. My classwork is challenging, but it feels so good to be learning from people who have been there and achieved the things I wish to achieve. (The fact that we talk about the value of blogging in almost every lecture doesn't hurt, either. ;)) Small blessings, to be sure.

The greatest blessing of all, though, is the Newman Center here. I've been with them for two weeks now, and have nothing but good to say about the people. They've been incredibly warm and immediately accepted me as one of the family, although it's going to take some time before true friendships begin to blossom. The best part is that I have access to Mass a few times a week, and several adults who are available for spiritual direction. I've just started praying about asking one to become my director. We're also discussing weekly Adoration, and I hope it happens! In the midst of all this chaos, I could really use some quiet time in His Presence.

My vocation is like a pendulum these days. One day I feel fine and at peace, and the next I feel like I'm drowning. Things in my personal life have made the way things stand currently very difficult, but I have no idea what the next step is for me. God has been particularly silent throughout this, but today at Mass, I got the slightest hint of the need to be patient, to step back and be close to Him. I am praying that everything will work out soon--I know that they will in God's time, but not knowing and being so uncomfortable has driven me very near insanity at times. ;) Still, I carry on every day, I try not to worry about the future, and I pray that God will continue to lead me in the direction I need to be. All I can really do is hold on for the ride.

Papa's a Rockstar

In the beginning of his papacy, I was a little skeptical about Pope Benedict XVI. I had left the occult only a few months before he was elected, and my bitterness toward Christianity in general and the Church in particular was still running high.

His visit to the United States last year gave me the opportunity to get to know his mind and personality in a way that was much more personal. He spoke my language, in my country, on the issues that were important to me as both a young person and an American citizen. I admired him from then on, and that admiration has only increased since then.

This, though, takes the cake: it was announced this week through both secular and Catholic news outlets that the Holy Father will be releasing a Christmas CD this year.

No joke! The CD will be produced on the same record label that housed giants like Elton John and Guns N Roses, in the same place where the Beatles recorded, and with musical accompaniment by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. It will include the Pope singing his favorite hymns, prayers in various different languages, and--perhaps most interesting of all--several original piano pieces that he composed himself.

Most people are aware that Paparatzi is an accomplished classical pianist, and as a musician myself I've always really wanted to hear him play. Looks like now I'm going to get my chance, and from the sounds of things, it's not going to be too shabby, either!

As a bonus, all the proceeds go to charity. Can't beat that!

Check out the full scoop via ABC News.

On Love

God is Love.

It's a simple phrase that is drilled into both the heads and hearts of Christians of all flavors. Often it seems that we hear it so often, we parrot it without thinking, understanding, or really listening to what we're saying. The same can be said for the Lord's Prayer, or the Hail Mary.

There is a God, and He loves us. God is love.

We know this intellectually, and we can assent to it, but do we know it in our hearts? Do we live out the revelation of God as love in our lives?

I may have come to Christ on my own, with no one to support me in that decision, but I can say with certainty that in those early days nearly three years ago now, it was my beloved that would help me to keep my faith alive. God used him in a very real way to get to me, and to say "I love you."

I so often fail at loving God--and, by extension, loving those closest to my heart--more often than I would ever admit. It's only when I find myself faced with my grandmother's constant support, or the constant forgiveness of my other half, that I realize how incredibly inadequate my love can be.

A lot of times, that realization is an incredibly painful one. "Love one another," Jesus commands us at the Last Supper, in words that still echo today as our Great Commission. The one thing we are asked to do above all is something I am mediocre with at best.

Recently, I was confronted head-on with that inadequacy in a way I didn't allow myself to accept previously. At first, there was incredible sadness, anger and despair as I recalled in rapid succession all the times I've withheld affection, raised my voice in anger, or said hurtful things purely out of spite. But then, something changed. I was inspired in the midst of my pain with thoughts that shook me out of my fog. I wouldn't be surprised if it was motivated by the Holy Spirit in the end.

God is Love.

To encounter Love is to encounter God Himself! And look at how people behaved when meeting God in Scripture--they went straight to their faces in awe, wonder, and knowledge of their own human failings. I see that in myself often; I end up in tears before the Blessed Sacrament almost every time I go to Mass or Adoration.

Having a living relationship with Christ has taught me, as St. Paul said, that "all have...fallen short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). If I were to stand on my own merit, there's no way I could ever hope to deserve Him. But He sees me in His own image. He knows my imperfections, but chooses to embrace me in spite of them.

Being with my other half is the same way. Sometimes we let each other down. Sometimes we hurt each other needlessly. But, despite everything, we still forgive. We take each other back, time and time again, because of our love.

Maybe that's why I fear my vocation to marriage so much. If God is love, then to enter into marriage and therefore sacrificial, selfless love, is to unite ourselves in a very real way to Christ's Passion. We'll be given to strength to bear that cross, but no one ever said it's going to be easy. Quite the opposite, in fact.

We all fall short of God's glory. If God is love, then reason tells us we fall short of loving as we should, as well.

Of course I'm going to fail at love--both the emotional sort and Love Himself. It's a consequence of the Fall, I suppose.

But, thankfully, God's mercy is infinite, and even when we fail ourselves, one another, and even Him, He is ready to forgive and fill us with the grace we need to move forward.

I can only hope that I will continue to forgive myself, and that those I've hurt can forgive me, too. With God, anything is possible. I trust in that now more than ever. :)

Walking in the Dark

Holding onto patience wearing thin,
I can't force these eyes to see the end...
This time we're not giving up,
Let's make it last forever.
--Paramore, "Hallelujah"

I've come to an understanding that this summer is meant to be a period of stretching for me.

My grandmother, with whom I am very close, had a major health setback early in June that made me wonder how long she'll be with us. She's semi-recovered and back home now, but the two weeks cumulatively she's spent in the hospital has changed her somewhat, and put incredible strain on my family, especially my mother.

I've lost touch with my confessor since he left us, and for reasons I'd rather not get into here, I can't go see him. When things are as crazy as they have been lately, it's incredibly difficult knowing I can't just visit and talk things out.

And, of course, I'm leaving home in just over a month. I find that my emotions are oscillating wildly through this, and it's getting worse as August 30th comes closer. Sometimes I'm giddy with excitement at the new things I'll experience, people I'll meet, and how busy I'll be. Other days, my mom in the kitchen or my dad coming home after work makes me incredibly sad. It's a feeling of "I'm not going to hear this all the time now." Sure, I'm going to be home on the weekend more often than not, but it doesn't change that I'll soon be turning the only life I know upside down yet again--the first time being the day I came back to the Church. ;)

The certainty I once had about my life, my career, my vocation, and God's will has been taken away from me. I no longer know where I belong, or what to do next.

At first, I rebelled at this revelation with anger. Why now, when I'm about to make such a big change? Why now, when I've been so happy for the past three years? Why now, when I crave certainty and confidence more than ever before?

Perhaps I've answered my own question. "For power is made perfect in weakness," St. Paul says.

"You are my strength when I am weak."

"When we are weak, that is when He best shows His strength in us."

Perhaps God is using this transition to get under my skin, to shake me out of my comfortable complacency and reach instead my heart that so often has its own ideas how things should go. By taking away all of my grand possibilities, He has forced me to take my eyes off the splitting roads ahead of me and instead, focus them on Him.

So far, I've failed pretty miserably at that, but there is always time to try again. I may have no idea where I'm headed anymore, but He does. The trick now is to live by Scripture which says "Even when I walk through the dark valley, I will fear no evil."

My pastor asked me to focus on seeking the next step, rather than trying to plan out the entire course of my life today. That next step is perhaps the only thing I know is going right: my education. I need to set myself up for a career with which I can support myself, and if I can help it, use for God.

Right now, I really am walking through the dark. All I can do is take His hand and trust that He'll lead me wherever I'm supposed to be.

I'm Listening

Leaving this here, as one of my adopted priests asked me to reflect on it. If he ever reads this, thanks, Father B.!

Speak, Lord, your servant is listening. And if you will not speak, I will continue to listen.

Simple and Clean

"If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? So do not worry and say, 'What are we to eat?' or 'What are we to drink?' or 'What are we to wear?'

. . . But seek first the kingdom (of God) and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil."

--St. Matthew 6:30-34 (NAB)

Today is the feast day of Maria Goretti, and so, in taking her as my patroness six years ago, it became my feast day, too. I'm not going to tell her story again, considering I did so last year. This year, I have something different to think about.

Lately, my central goal has been obedience. I still feel directionless in a lot of ways, and am struggling with a great deal of anxiety in trying to discern God's will for my life, especially where my vocation is concerned. I always thought that, when the time was right, God would give me a sign to let me know that I was going in the right direction and making the right choices. God has done that before, loudly, and I still feel that He'll do so again, if He wants to. Somehow, though, I don't think I'm going to be so lucky this time. As my pastor once said, it isn't free will if God is forcing us into doing things His way. I just wish I knew what His way was! My future is uncertain; I have desires, sure, at times very powerful ones, but I have no idea if following them is what I'm supposed to do. (Please, if you're reading this, take a second to pray for my clarity!)

A while back, I was considering where my life is headed, and where I'd like to see it go, when Maria came to mind. Everyone tends to look at her as the epitome of purity and chastity, and it seems that at times, Catholics value her more for the way that she died than the way that she lived.

St. Maria was a simple girl. (Yet another sign that she and I were meant to be partners.) She never concerned herself with worldly affairs, but rather spent her days praying, watching her siblings, and helping her family on the farm. That was her life, and really, you could see what it did for her faith. She, like many other young saints, begged to receive the Eucharist before she was considered old enough, and the day she did for the first time was the happiest in her life. There was nothing else going on to trouble her before Alessandro began his advances, and even if there was, it wouldn't have brought her down. Her focus was on Christ, not on this world. In every sense, she lived by what God told St. Paul as he begged for the Lord to take from him the thorn in his flesh: "My grace is suffiecient for you."

His grace was enough for Maria. She had need for nothing else. With that innocence and perfect embodiment of the childlike faith we're called to--and indeed, she was only a child--her life was for the most part a peaceful one.

That's what I should be doing this summer, as difficult as it may be for me: learning to be humbler, simpler, and more trusting that God is with me and will not abandon me. I need to believe with more confidence that as long as I try to seek His will with my whole heart, He'll lead me to it, whatever it is. Like Maria, I shouldn't worry about tomorrow, because it will take care of itself. I'm going to talk to my priests in the coming months--all three of them (my confessor can't even get rid of me by being reassigned, poor guy)--and I'm going to let go.

Fearful as I am, I'm going to surrender. I can't keep stumbling in the dark hoping to come out the right door. He needs to lead me. I can only hope that in following Maria's example, and relying on her prayers, I'll make the right decision, and have peace in my life as well.

St. Maria Goretti, my friend and ally, pray for me, that your innocence might be mine!

Happy feast day. :)

Promises from Scripture

"Why are you terrified? Have you no faith in Me?"
"Do not be afraid. Just have faith."

~*~*~

Why are you cast down, o my soul?
Why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God.
For I shall again praise Him, my salvation.

~*~*~

They cried to the LORD in their distress;
from their straits he rescued them,
He hushed the storm to a gentle breeze,
and the billows of the sea were stilled.

They rejoiced that they were calmed,
and he brought them to their desired haven.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his kindness
and his wondrous deeds to the children of men.

More Thoughts on Change

This past week was Pentecost, and with its arrival came the end of the Easter season. It feels like the Vigil was only yesterday, but at the same time, the last fifty days have been a period of stretching for me.

Change is inevitable.

Last weekend, I curled up in my usual chair in my confessor's confessional, and after the usual teasing, said, "You're leaving, and I'm staying here. I don't know how to deal with that."

There was no confession involved in our very frank, semi-emotional conversation. All in all, I know it's not about him, that it never was to begin with. He said that he knew when I first came back two years ago that I was different, and needed to have my butt kicked in order to grow. Now, he said, I would learn to grow in other ways.

I must admit, though, that having an open invitation to visit whenever I need to has helped me immensely. I was also reminded that soon, I'll have two new priests in my life--our new deacon-turned-parochial vicar that will assume his position tomorrow morning, and my chaplain when I move to my university at the end of August.

On top of this optimistic thought, I've introduced myself on Facebook to the Newman club there, and have been pleasantly surprised by several friend requests, as well as an invitation to a women's retreat with them in late August. I'm not sure yet if I will be allowed to go, but knowing that I'm going to be getting to know other Catholics my age is such a huge boost for me. As one of my friends said recently, it's been a very lonely walk. Having people to fellowship with is so important. I'm hoping that I won't be disappointed. I don't think I will be.

Change is difficult. It's far from comfortable, and I know that all of this is going to be a test, both on my faith and on my maturity. If it's any consolation, it will serve as a fantastic opportunity to bring me closer to God, and learn to rely on Him more.

Maybe change can be a good thing.

You Will Never Leave Me

This is perfect. I remembered this prayer tonight as I thought of two friends of mine who have used it throughout their courtship. It fits so well with the uncertainly I find myself facing; I think I'll start praying this regularly.

Thomas Merton's Prayer

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think that I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always,
though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.